god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I need moral support for this bender
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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