Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
How long until YT realizes that it's a man?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Randomize
