My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Randomize
