he thought i was a dude.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
