4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
