What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
