Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
