She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
