i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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