This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
