I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
