i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
