My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
