Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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