Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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