Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
