Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
