Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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