my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
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