ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i just google imaged poop.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
