You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
