they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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