I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
