I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
