I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
