i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
