birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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