I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
