Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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