I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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