finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Blow job season was short but glorious.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
