I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
