a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
