I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
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