Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
