Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
