Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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