the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
