my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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