Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
