last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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