why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
