the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
