We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
