Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
