you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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