I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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