Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
