Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Only a mothe r could love this liver
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
