No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Pants are for mortals
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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